How to Get Over an Ex
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
Breakups are hard. Not just sad, not just painful — they’re disorienting, too.
One minute you’re planning your weekend together, the next you’re dissecting text messages like a detective looking for clues to answer: What went wrong? What did I miss? Could this have gone differently?
That detective phase is common, especially if you were the one who got broken up with. It’s grasping at straws for understanding. Maybe for control, too, because in those early days, what you really want is to hit Undo, or perhaps hope you’ll wake up from a bad dream.
If that’s where you are, it’s all part of grieving.
Why It Hurts So Much
Even the brightest blooms fade — grief is part of the cycle.
Getting over an ex isn’t just about losing a person. It’s also about losing:
The version of your future that included them.
The comfort of their presence in your day-to-day life.
The belief that maybe, just maybe, this one could’ve worked.
It’s easy to confuse that hope with possibility. Your brain serves up “if only…” scenarios on repeat:
If only we had one more conversation.
If only I’d communicated better.
If only they’d been willing to try one more time.
But as natural as they are, running through these scenarios won’t lead to clarity.
The Difference Between Leaving and Being Left
If you’re the one who ended it, it’s likely you were grieving the breakup well before the breakup . You might have been weighing the pros and cons for weeks, even months. So while it’s still sad, it’s often easier because you’ve had time to mentally and emotionally prepare.
But if you were broken up with, it’s a different beast. There’s shock. A loss of control. That sense of helplessness can feel unbearable. Not only did you lose the relationship — you didn’t even get a say in the ending.
That’s why the first few weeks can feel like emotional whiplash.
What Helps in the Early Days
Small rituals — like a warm cup of coffee — help ground you during change.
There’s no shortcut, but there are supports that make it more bearable:
Connection, not isolation. As Esther Perel puts it, healing happens in connection. Call a friend. Go for a walk. Let someone remind you you’re still lovable — especially if you can’t remember it yourself.
Stick to your routine. Work, hobbies, laundry, whatever keeps your world turning. You’re not faking it — you’re giving yourself stability while your heart recalibrates.
Journal. Pennebaker’s research on expressive writing shows it helps process grief and trauma. Write like no one’s reading. Clarity doesn’t always come right away, but it will.
Treat feelings as data, not facts. Feelings are valid — but they don’t always reflect the full truth. Pain colors perception. That doesn’t make it fake. It makes it temporary.
Trust time. Not the advice anyone wants, but still the most reliable one. Every day won’t hurt this much. One morning, without even noticing, you’ll realize: I haven’t thought about them all day.
More Tools That Actually Help
If you’re feeling stuck — like the pain isn’t easing up or you keep looping through the same thoughts — these might give you a new foothold:
1. Create “No Contact” Boundaries (Even If It’s Temporary)
Unfollowing, muting, or blocking can feel extreme, but they’re actually kind. If seeing their name pop up reopens the wound, protect your space.
You’re not being dramatic — your brain literally reactivates those emotional pathways when exposed to reminders.
(One study found that people who monitored their ex on social media had a harder time moving on.)
2. Write a Goodbye Letter (But Don’t Send It!)
Pour it all out: what you loved, what hurt, what you wish you could say.
Expressive writing has been shown to help people process and reframe emotional experiences in a meaningful way. It’s like clearing out emotional clutter so you can think more clearly again.
3. Mark the Ending with a Ritual
Delete old messages. Change your sheets. Toss the concert ticket stub. Or light a candle and say, Thanks for what it was. I release what it’s not.
There’s research showing that even small rituals can reduce grief and anxiety — even if you don’t “believe” in them.
4. Reclaim Your Space
Your environment holds memory. A subtle change — rearranging a shelf or swapping out your bedding — can help disrupt emotional triggers.
Environmental psychologists have found that even small shifts in physical surroundings can support emotional recovery.
5. Consult “Future You”
Picture yourself six months from now — calm, grounded, maybe even laughing again.
Research shows that when we visualize a connected “future self,” we make better choices and feel more motivated in the present.
6. Try Somatic Practices
Breakups don’t just hurt emotionally — they land in your body. Your chest aches. Your stomach knots up. That’s not imaginary.
As trauma researchers like Bessel van der Kolk have found, physical movement — from shaking to yoga — helps your nervous system regulate and release.
7. Reflect on the Relationship (When You’re Ready)
Breakups suck. But with time and perspective, they can also reveal what we’ve outgrown — or what we really want next.
A study found that people who reflected on the emotional and personal growth that followed their breakup reported greater healing over time. So no, you're not wasting your time journaling — you're doing the work.
What Moving On Actually Looks Like
From endings come new beginnings — growth always follows.
People talk about “closure” like it’s an epiphany. Sometimes it is. More often, it’s gradual. You wake up and they’re no longer a main character in your story. You can walk past your favorite restaurant without the sting. You stop wondering if they’re dating someone new.
And slowly, you begin to want different things — not the past, but the possibility of what’s ahead. That’s when you know: you’re no longer trying to get back what you lost. You’re ready for what’s next.
