Attraction: What You Can and Can’t Control
🕒 Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
Exploring what draws us together (and what doesn’t).
Ever wonder why some dates seem to go nowhere, despite your best efforts? Or why someone you thought was “just okay” at first becomes attractive after a few interactions?
Attraction is complicated — it’s a blend of factors, some within your control and others entirely out of your hands.
In a previous article, The Most Attractive Quality, I explored how confidence plays a pivotal role in attraction. This one expands on that idea, exploring a range of qualities that contribute to attraction and first impressions.
Attraction can show up in different forms, often overlapping:
Physical — how someone looks, moves, and sounds
Mental — how they think or communicate
Emotional — how you feel around them
Understanding these forms can help you focus on what’s worth your energy, like that well-known line:
“Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Dating is often about noticing where your attention helps and where it drains you.
When Attraction Isn’t Mutual
Attraction isn’t always mutual… and that’s okay.
Let me start with a personal story — because attraction isn’t always straightforward.
I matched with someone on a popular dating app. Our text exchange seemed promising, so I suggested a video call. On the video call, I didn’t find him especially attractive — but he wasn’t unattractive either. We talked for almost an hour, and I felt curious enough to meet him in person.
First date: He was tall — though not as tall as his profile stated. Still taller than me, so fine. Then I noticed his posture: a noticeable hunch. My first thought? Yikes. But I reminded myself to focus on his positive qualities, and as the evening passed, I genuinely enjoyed our walk — easy conversation, easy jokes — so I said yes to a second date.
Second date: By the second date, the posture distracted me more than I wanted to admit. I decided it was time to acknowledge I wasn’t feeling enough of a connection and attraction to continue. But my coach suggested giving it one more shot. So I did.
Third date: The third date is often decisive — either it’s a dead end or it isn’t.
The restaurant was loud, I felt irritable, and the clear lack of attraction made me feel even more irritable. The gap between us felt wider. I wasn’t as playful or engaged. Maybe he sensed that, too. When we walked to our cars, he said he’d enjoyed our time together. Oh dear. I didn’t feel the same in a number of ways. I also didn’t want us to linger in case it led to setting up a fourth date or an attempted kiss. (!!!) So I scurried into my car and headed home.
…And I’ve been on the other side of it, too. I’ll keep these brief — moments where I felt the awkwardness or disappointment of attraction not being mutual.
I went on a date with someone who listed his height as 5'8" on his profile. In person, he was my height (5'5"). It didn’t matter — I had fun! I thought there’d be a second date, but I never heard from him again.
And then there was the date where I was the one lingering at the end. I may have even batted my eyelashes at him like Lola Bunny. He said, “I’m sorry, I can’t kiss you.” I walked away sulking like Charlie Brown.
Attraction isn’t something we can always summon or explain. It either clicks or it doesn’t. And often, it’s not mutual. In fact, I’d argue that the default with most people is that attraction either won’t exist or, if it does, it’s unlikely to be mutual.
The goal is to find and build connections where attraction is mutual.
Let’s start by going over what you can’t control first.
What You Can’t Control
Biology plays a role in attraction — some factors are simply beyond your control.
…so stop stressing about it!
Attraction can be elusive and can’t be forced. Even research backs this up: chemistry often involves unconscious processes we don’t fully understand (Eastwick et al., 2007; Montoya & Horton, 2014).
You can show up as your best self, but if the spark isn’t there, it’s not a reflection of your worth. Sometimes it’s biology, timing, or — as much as I hate to say it — pure mystery.
“If you have to force it, it’s shit.”
Someone Else’s Preferences
People are drawn to different things — hair color, height, humor, hobbies, even small quirks like the way you tilt your head when you laugh. Studies on mate preferences have shown how widely tastes vary from person to person (Buss, 1989). You can’t cater to every preference without losing yourself.
Biology
Biology plays a role in attraction. We tend to respond to visual cues like posture, symmetry, and expressions because they’re linked (at least subconsciously) to health or genetic fitness (Grammer & Thornhill, 1994; Little et al., 2011). Yes, you can chalk it up to being shallow, but often times whether you like it or not, it’s nature.
Past Experiences
You could be great, but if someone is still hung up on an ex or isn’t emotionally available, it’s not about you. Attachment research shows how past relationships and emotional wounds can limit someone’s readiness to connect, no matter who’s in front of them (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
Timing
Sometimes people are simply at different stages in life. Research on relationships and life-course timing confirms that readiness for partnership is shaped by context: career, emotional development, or prior commitments (Finkel et al., 2012).
What You Can Control
Small choices, like grooming and presentation, can help you feel more confident.
Now that you know the things you can’t control, let’s focus on what you can — so you can re-allocate your efforts where they’ll actually make a difference.
Grooming and Presentation
You don’t need designer clothes or a six-step skincare routine. But small adjustments — like clean hair, fresh breath, and clothes that fit well — can make a big difference in first impressions.
Outwardly signaling that you put effort into yourself serves as a proxy for other ways in which you put effort into life overall.
That doesn’t mean you need to overhaul your appearance. Small, thoughtful changes can shift how you feel and how others see you. Think of it as a spectrum:
Less effort:
Wear clean clothes (even casual ones)
Freshen your breath (mints, gum, brush before heading out)
Brush or neaten your hair
Moderate effort:
Choose clothes that fit and flatter your shape
Add one accessory that reflects your personality (e.g., a watch, scarf, or simple jewelry)
Style your hair or facial hair intentionally
Higher effort:
Try a new haircut or hairstyle
Start a basic skincare routine (cleanser and moisturizer — be sure to throw in SPF during the day)
Invest in a couple of well-fitted basics that help you feel put together (look up “capsule wardrobe”)
Phew, okay, that was a long list. You don’t have to do all of these. Pick one small adjustment and see how it impacts how you carry yourself and how others respond.
Confidence, Posture, and Body Language
How you carry yourself shapes how others see you — and how you feel in the moment. Confidence isn’t all-or-nothing. You build it through practice, and posture is part of that.
Ever notice how someone who walks in with their shoulders back and head high gives off a different energy than someone slouched over?
And if you don’t feel confident yet? Fake it until your brain catches up. Studies have shown body language shapes both how we’re perceived and how we feel about ourselves.
Less effort:
Stand taller (shoulders back, chin level)
Relax your shoulders and hands
Make brief eye contact at hello and goodbye
Moderate effort:
Lean in slightly
Hold eye contact a second or two longer during conversation
Notice and adjust how you sit (upright, but not stiff)
Higher effort:
Build core strength or flexibility (it helps posture naturally)
Take a yoga, Pilates, or posture-focused classes
Ask a trusted friend or coach for feedback
Communication and Enthusiasm
Can you carry a conversation? Ask thoughtful questions? Make someone feel heard and valued?
“...people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Good communication is often less about what you say and more about how present and genuinely interested you are in the person across from you.
And enthusiasm helps — not by performing or showing off, but by sharing what you enjoy. That kind of energy invites others to connect with you on a deeper level.
Less effort:
Ask simple, open-ended questions
Listen without interrupting or planning your next response
Share one thing you genuinely like or care about
Moderate effort:
Reflect something they said (“That sounds fun — tell me more”)
Talk about a hobby or goal that excites you
Show curiosity about their passions or interests
Higher effort:
Join a group or workshop to practice conversational confidence
Take a class or join a group for something you’ve always wanted to try
Make time for interests that light you up (it shows!)
Possible Objections
Objections are normal, but small shifts can make dating feel clearer and easier.
“Isn’t this just about being shallow?”
No. First impressions are shaped by subtle, often subconscious cues like posture, facial expressions, and tone of voice. This isn’t about being superficial — it’s about working within the constraints and realities of being human. We’re wired to notice confidence, openness, and warmth.
“I want someone who likes me for me. I shouldn’t have to change myself — people should just get to know me better.”
You don’t have to change who you are. The point is to help others see what makes you attractive. Just like you’d prepare for a job interview, presenting your best self gives people a clear, authentic snapshot of who you are. Small tweaks — like posture or a warm smile — can bridge the gap between first impressions and your genuine personality.
“Shouldn’t attraction just happen naturally? Why do I have to think about any of this?”
Sometimes it does. But connection often builds or is facilitated by how you present yourself and engage with others. Small, intentional choices help people see and feel that connection more clearly.
“Isn’t this just playing a game or being manipulative?”
No. There’s a difference between trying to fool someone and carrying yourself in a way that makes it easier for them to connect with you. This is about clarity, not trickery.
“This feels like too much work. Isn’t dating hard enough already?”
You don’t have to do anything or everything at once. Living is — and should be — dynamic. Small experiments are one way to try new things (a form of play, if you will).
Start with one change, like better posture or asking a thoughtful question. Even that can shift how you feel and how others respond.
“What if I try these things and still don’t find someone?”
There are no guarantees in dating, or life in general. But focusing on what’s in your control helps you feel clearer and more confident along the way.
Attraction Isn’t a Formula, But You Can Improve Your Odds
Attraction isn’t just about looks or charm. It’s how someone feels around you. While you can’t control chemistry or preferences, you can build habits that help you feel confident, present, and engaged.
Focus on what you can change. Confidence, curiosity, and connection go a long way.
Next time you’re out, practice standing a little taller, making eye contact, and being curious about the person you’re with. See how it changes how others respond — and how you feel about yourself.
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