Understanding How to Bring It Up
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Part 3 of the Dating Honestly series
Once people understand the fear behind disclosure and have a better sense of timing, the next question is tactical:
“So… how do I actually say it?”
This is where many people get stuck.
They worry about saying too much, saying it the wrong way, or making the conversation awkward or heavy.
In reality, most disclosures don’t need a big setup or a perfectly crafted explanation. They tend to land best when they’re simple, direct, and proportionate to the moment.
Why How You Say It Matters
People often focus on what they’re disclosing and when. How it’s communicated tends to matter just as much.
Research on communication and intimacy consistently shows that disclosures are received more smoothly when they feel:
calm
matter-of-fact
appropriately sized for the moment
aligned with the level of connection
As a result, people are more likely to stay engaged with the conversation instead of jumping to assumptions or overinterpretation.
Match the Disclosure to the Connection
A helpful first step is matching the disclosure to how established the connection is.
By that, I mean how much context, trust, and conversational momentum you’ve built so far.
Early interactions usually have limited context. You’re still getting a sense of each other’s tone, interests, and basic compatibility. At this stage, brief context is usually enough.
Later interactions are more established. There’s more familiarity, more shared reference points, and more room for nuance. This is where fuller explanations tend to fit more naturally.
Examples of appropriately sized disclosures for early conversations:
“My ex-husband and I split a few years ago.”
“I have a kid, so my schedule can be a little specific.”
“I manage a chronic condition, so I’m mindful of my energy.”
These statements give context without asking the other person to process everything at once.
Skip the Preamble
Many people are tempted to introduce a disclosure with something like:
“I need to tell you something important.”
“There’s something I should probably explain.”
Sometimes that’s useful. Sometimes, it unnecessarily adds intensity.
Consider bringing up information naturally in the conversation. If the detail is shared calmly, it usually lands calmly.
You can always expand later if the conversation calls for it.
Remember to Pause
Once you disclose something personal, it can feel uncomfortable to stop talking.
Embrace the discomfort! A brief pause is useful for a few reasons:
It gives the other person space to process
It shows confidence in what you shared
It lets you see how they respond
Their response — tone, curiosity, follow-up — is meaningful data.
How to Read the Response
Most responses fall into a few broad categories.
Neutral or curious
This is the most common outcome. You might hear:
“Thanks for telling me.”
“That makes sense.”
“I appreciate you sharing that.”
At this point, the conversation can continue naturally.
Hesitant or uncertain
This can feel uncomfortable, but it’s still information. You don’t need to persuade or reassure. Try a simple response:
“That’s fair.”
“Happy to answer questions if you have them.”
Then let the interaction unfold.
A clear no
This is the outcome people fear most.
It’s also the one that provides the clearest information.
A clear no isn’t a failure of timing or phrasing. It’s an indicator of fit (or rather, lack of fit).
The purpose of disclosure isn’t to prevent rejection. It’s to avoid building connection on missing context.
What Actually Matters
Across different situations, disclosure tends to go best when:
the language matches the moment
the tone is calm and direct
the level of detail fits the stage of connection
space is left for a response
Perfect wording isn’t required. Clarity and steadiness carry far more weight.
Closing the Series
Across these three articles, the same theme shows up again and again:
Fear makes disclosure feel heavier than it needs to be.
Timing becomes clearer when you pay attention to readiness and context.
How you share matters more than finding the perfect words.
Disclosure is an exchange of information that helps both people decide what comes next.
