On Emotional Availability: How to Recognize It in Yourself and Others
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Have you ever dated someone who said and did all the right things, but it felt like there was a wall up?
Maybe they were attentive over text and made plans regularly, but deeper conversations never really happened.
Or maybe they weren’t ready for whatever the next progressive step was — going on a weekend trip together, meeting each other’s friends and family, discussing shared long-term goals, moving in together — yet still seemed committed and serious.
This article addresses the moments when you feel the mismatch, but can’t quite name what’s going on.
If:
emotional awareness is knowing what you feel,
emotional maturity is expressing it thoughtfully,
emotional labor is co-creating connection, and
emotional alignment is navigating tough moments with presence and care,
Then emotional availability is the sum of all these parts in action.
Let’s explore what emotional availability really means, how to recognize it, and how to foster it in yourself and others.
What Emotional Availability Means
Kintsugi — the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold — reminds us that emotional availability isn’t about being flawless. It’s about showing up, even after the cracks.
People often assume emotional availability means being talkative, affectionate, or quick to commit. But the true marker isn’t how often someone texts or how openly they describe their past — it’s whether they have the capacity and willingness to emotionally engage, especially when things get uncomfortable.
That includes:
Feeling and acknowledging your own emotions, rather than avoiding or overriding them
Being impacted by someone else’s emotions — not just observing from a distance
Staying connected when things feel uncertain, vulnerable, or tense
Choosing repair and understanding over brushing things aside
Psychologist Zeynep Biringen, who introduced the concept in early attachment studies, identified four core traits that define emotional availability: sensitivity, structure, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility.
While Biringen’s work focused on parent-child dynamics, those same traits show up in adult romantic relationships — especially during moments of emotional friction or ambiguity.
And according to long-term research by John Gottman, it’s not emotional chemistry or compatibility that predicts relationship success — it’s emotional responsiveness during conflict that matters most (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). In other words, how someone shows up when things get hard is often the clearest signal of availability.
When Someone Isn’t Emotionally Available
Emotional unavailability isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it looks like silence, distraction, or closeness without connection.
First, emotional availability is not a binary. It’s a capacity that fluctuates based on stress, life circumstances, or past wounds.
Unavailability isn’t always obvious.
Sometimes it sounds like:
“I’m not sure what I want yet.”
“Let’s just see where things go.”
Sometimes it feels like texting or talking all day, but never quite connecting emotionally.
Common signs of emotional unavailability include:
A pattern of avoiding or minimizing emotionally charged conversations
Vague relationship goals — even after closeness or intimacy builds
A preference for lightness, distraction, or physical closeness over emotional depth
Withdrawal or defensiveness when asked for reflection or clarity
A sense that you’re always the one naming what’s happening or trying to connect
No single behavior confirms emotional unavailability — but when these signs show up repeatedly and in combination, they suggest a limited capacity (or interest) in building deeper connection.
Research on adult attachment supports what many daters have experienced intuitively: avoidant individuals often use distancing strategies that maintain independence while mimicking closeness — like sharing stories without real vulnerability, or showing up consistently but emotionally flat (Overall & Simpson, 2015).
The better question isn’t “Are they available?” but:
Do I feel emotionally safe, relaxed, and connected around them — or constantly unsure where I stand?
Are You Emotionally Available Right Now?
Self-reflection is the first step in building emotional availability. Start by asking yourself: Am I truly open to connection right now?
The following questions are not intended to diagnose you. Use it to gauge your current capacity for emotional connection:
Can you sit with uncertainty or discomfort in a relationship without shutting down or overfunctioning?
Do you take time to reflect on your emotions — or do you distract yourself or minimize them?
Are you able to clearly express what you need, even if it feels risky or vulnerable?
When someone else opens up, how do you usually respond — with curiosity, by changing the subject, or by trying to solve the problem?
Do you currently have space in your life for connection — in terms of time, energy, and presence?
Are you open to letting someone affect or influence you, even when it’s uncomfortable?
Attachment theorists Mikulincer and Shaver emphasize that emotional availability is shaped by early relationships, but it isn’t fixed. Our ability to open up, stay connected, and regulate through intimacy can grow with awareness, reflection, and safe experiences (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
How to Increase Your Emotional Availability
No one is emotionally available 100% of the time — and that’s okay. But if you want to build the kind of connection that lasts, capacity matters more than chemistry.
Here are some ways to start increasing yours:
Check in with yourself regularly.
Get in the habit of asking yourself, “What’s going on for me right now?” before reacting or sharing. This helps with.Practice naming what you’re feeling.
Aim for frequency over accuracy. Try “I’m not sure what I feel yet — but I think it’s something like frustration or disappointment.” Increasing your vocabulary and granularity. https://feelingswheel.comTake small emotional risks.
Start small. Share something honest with a trusted friend and sit with whatever comes up. Over time, your tolerance goes up and you’ll be able to do the same for highly vulnerable topics.Reflect on your reactions and defenses.
When do you tend to pull back or shift into “functioning mode”? Where did that start? Emotional unavailability is often rooted in protection. At some point, walls defended you from something, but are they still necessary or productive?Make space for connection. Busyness, burnout, or emotional overload can shrink your capacity to relate — even if you want connection.
How to Tell If Someone Else Is Emotionally Available
In early dating, emotional availability isn’t about what someone says — it’s about how they show up over time. A shared path reveals more than a spark ever could.
In early dating, emotional availability isn’t about what someone says — it’s about how they relate over time.
Look for:
Steady emotional presence, even when conversations go beyond surface-level
Accountability and reflection — especially after missteps
Willingness to name discomfort instead of glossing over it
Consistent curiosity about how you feel, not just who you are
A pattern of engagement that feels mutual, not one-sided
Most of all, listen to yourself. If you feel emotionally grounded around them — instead of tense, guessing, or overthinking — that’s the clearest sign of availability.
Final Thoughts
Emotional availability doesn’t mean being endlessly vulnerable or perfectly healed.
But it does require being open to connection — even when, and especially when, it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, or emotionally complex.
The good times will always feel good — that’s easy.
But what’s most telling is how the bad times are handled.
Do they lead to repair, understanding, and growth?
Or do they chip away at trust and emotional safety?
In unhealthy dynamics, the good times are good... until they’re not.
It’s the hard moments — not the highlights — that reveal whether someone is truly emotionally available.
This final article brings together the whole Emotional Clarity series:
Naming your feelings
Expressing them with maturity
Sharing responsibility for emotional labor
Building alignment through presence and repair
And now — recognizing who’s truly able to meet you there
Clarity is only useful if it helps you choose wisely And connection is only sustainable if there’s someone on the other side who can meet you with effort and emotional presence.
Ready to Date with Emotional Clarity?
Join my upcoming workshop:
How to Date with Emotional Clarity
🗓 Saturday, May 31, 2025 @ 10 AM PT
💻 Live on Zoom
🎟 $25 (or $20 with promo code ALIGN5OFF)
Whether you’re feeling unsure, stuck, or ready for a reset — this session will help you get grounded, aligned, and more emotionally available to yourself and others.
