Demystifying Romance
🕒 Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
Have you ever been on a date that was going well only to later be told, "I just didn’t feel a romantic connection"?
It’s a frustrating experience that can leave you wondering: Were you hallucinating? What does “didn’t feel a romantic connection” even? What could you have done differently?
In this article, we’ll explore what romance actually means, why some dates feel romantic while others don’t, and practical ways you can create more meaningful connections in your dating life.
Hint: Romance is not necessarily about grand gestures or dramatic declarations.
What is Romance?
Let’s start with what romance is not. Romantic movies and novels emphasize adventure, excitement, and emotions. Public confessions of love in the rain! Surprise proposals in the rain! Or the classic last-minute chase through an airport!
But, I’d like to make a case, at least in reality, that romance is about meaningful moments, like sharing an inside joke or recalling a small detail from a past conversation.
A romantic gesture is intentional. It shows effort and a desire to make someone feel special.
A romantic gesture is thoughtful. It shows that you’re putting thought into how the other person.
For example, giving your date flowers isn’t inherently romantic — I mean, it is from a spectator passing by and is sure to evoke feelings of jealousy or envy. What does make flowers romantic is how and why you’re giving your date flowers. If the flowers are an afterthought or an obligation, they may not land with your date in the way you hope. But if you choose flowers with meaning (maybe their favorite kind or something tied to a conversation you’ve had), the gesture can feel more personal and thus, romantic.
Decrypting the "Romantic Vibe"
That “romantic vibe” isn’t magic. It’s built on small, intentional moments like eye contact, laughter, and feeling truly seen.
When someone says they didn’t feel a romantic vibe, they may mean the setting of the date or interaction with you lacked an emotional connection or a sense of intentionality. Again, what stands out is the amount of thoughtfulness and care you put in.
If romance seems magical and effortless, and therefore unrealistic, it’s likely because it’s built on things that are not obvious and very easy to overlook. That is, romance is built on subtleties. A lingering glance, a question that shows genuine interest, an unexpected compliment, or choosing a quiet café corner instead of a bright and busy restaurant. All of these small actions and choices contribute to a romantic atmosphere.
What about the mythical “spark” or “chemistry”, otherwise known as the intense and sudden attraction between two people? It’s not necessarily generic or fate, rather, chemistry arises from small, intentional actions: meaningful eye contact, a shared laugh, or a sense of feeling seen and understood.
This is especially true in conversations leading up to a first date. If the conversation over text is mostly informational, it can be difficult to create that initial spark of romantic interest. Conversations that feel like polite small talk (i.e., no hints of curiosity, playfulness, or vulnerability) will not set the stage for romance.
And sometimes, it really is simply a lack of chemistry and nothing can be done about that. But, before jumping to that conclusion, let’s troubleshoot a few things first!
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
Ever had a date where you felt disconnected? Avoid surface-level small talk and create conversations that spark real engagement.
Dry, Transactional Conversations: Sticking to factual or logistical talk ("What do you do for work?" or "Where are you from?") without incorporating personality and playfulness can feel flat. Avoid sounding like you’re ticking boxes off a list. Instead, relate to their answers or share your perspective, such as, "I’m from the Midwest — how do you feel about snow?" or "I’m an architect, and it’s always fun hearing what people imagine their dream house to be."
Overlooking Personal Preferences: What feels romantic to one person might not be to another. Pay attention to what your date values or enjoys. For instance, if your date loves quiet cafes and bars, suggesting a live music concert miss the mark.
Lack of Balance: Too much effort (like over-the-top gifts or intense declarations) can feel forced, while too little effort (such as generic date ideas or lack of engagement) can come across as disinterest. The key is to put in thoughtful, personalized effort that makes even simple activities feel special. I often refer to this as finding the Goldilocks balance — more on that below.
How to Cultivate Romance Before a Date
Whether this is in person, over text, or on a call, try some of these tips to set the date up for successful.
Engage with Curiosity: Instead of asking standard questions, try something more open-ended or playful. Rather than sticking to the usual "What do you like to do?" try asking something that invites storytelling or reflection, such as, "What’s something interesting or new you’ve done recently?" or "What would a great Friday night look like for you?"
Add a Playful Tone: A little humor or light teasing can create a spark. For example, if they mention loving wine, you might say, "So you’re saying wine is non-negotiable for date plans?"
Share a Bit of Yourself: Vulnerability can create closeness. Share something that reveals a little about your character or experiences — like a memory, passion, or a fun fact about you.
Set the Stage: When planning the first date, consider settings or activities that encourage interaction. A walk in the park, a cozy cafe, or an activity like mini-golf can feel more intimate than a loud bar.
Be Intentional: Thoughtful planning shows care and consideration. Mention why you chose a particular activity or spot (e.g., “I thought this place looked fun, and I remembered you said you love trying new desserts.”).
Strike a Goldilocks Balance: Regardless of what you do, strike a balance where it’s “not too much” or “too little”. This will require you to practice situational awareness, where you observe and act according. For example, if they’re not a big texter, try to match that. If they’re a big texter, try to match that. I suggest this not to change who you are, but to try to build rapport with someone and meet someone where they are. Often times, the other person may be doing something similar and adjusting to you without you realizing it.
Why It Matters
Romance isn’t about grand gestures — it’s about creating meaningful moments, like a shared sunset picnic or recalling a detail from a past conversation.
Someone telling you that they "didn’t feel a romantic connection" doesn’t mean you failed. It may actually mean the emotional connection or atmosphere wasn’t there for them. Understanding what romance means to others and putting effort into creating those moments can help build stronger, more meaningful connections.
Please keep in mind that romance isn’t about being perfect or getting it perfectly right — it’s about intention. Small, thoughtful gestures can build meaningful connections over time, creating a sense of closeness that feels effortless and real.
So, be genuinely interested, listen, and make the effort to create shared experiences that feel special for you and them. The little things you do can make all the difference.
My Challenge to You
Experiment with one (or more!) of these ideas in your dating life.
Plan a Thoughtful Date: Choose an activity or setting that reflects your date’s interests, and let them know why you picked it.
Send a Personalized Message: When starting a conversation, add a playful or meaningful touch based on their profile or something they’ve shared.
Reflect on Previous Conversations: Think about your recent interactions, both online and offline. Were they engaging and intentional? Did they feel too generic? In your next interaction, experiment with a little curiosity and playfulness.
By focusing on meaningful interactions, curiosity, and effort, you can create moments that foster real connection. This approach not only deepens relationships but also helps prevent dating burnout, making the process more enjoyable and sustainable.
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