Making Connections, Part 3: How to Go Beyond Small Talk
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
“Hi, how’s your day?”
“How’s your weekend going?”
“What are your plans for this weekend?”
They’re all polite, familiar, and easy to ask, but they usually end the same way:
“Good.”
“Fine.”
“Not much, you?”
It’s the classic loop of small talk: comfortable and forgettable.
Small talk has its place, but if you want to actually connect, you need ways to move beyond those polite, autopilot exchanges. Otherwise, conversations stall out, leaving both people unsure where to go next.
Why Small Talk Fizzles
Small talk isn’t the problem — it’s getting stuck there. Connection doesn’t arise from conversations that are:
Safe
Surface-level
One-sided (one person asks, the other answers)
Small talk is fine as a warm-up — but remember, it’s a bridge, not the destination.
The 3 Conversation Modes
In the book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg, there are three kinds of conversation modes:
Practical — solving problems, making plans, or sharing information.
Emotional — expressing how we feel or looking for understanding and support.
Relational — sharing stories, experiences, and seeing how we connect.
Conversations flow best when both people are in the same mode. When one person is in Practical mode, but the other is in Emotional or Relational mode, things feel off — like two radios on different frequencies.
How to Move Beyond Small Talk
The goal isn’t to skip small talk; it’s to move through it. You can do this by paying attention to cues, expressing curiosity, and sharing small parts of yourself.
Start with a Practical or Relational question, then follow up with an emotional one.
That’s what opens the door to deeper connection — the kind built around values, beliefs, and feelings.
Shift from Practical → Relational → Emotional
“What do you do?” → “What do you enjoy about your work?” → “What makes it meaningful to you?”
“What are your hobbies?” → “What got you into that?” → “How does it make you feel when you’re doing it?”
Each follow-up moves the conversation from the what to the why — from exchanging information to discovering what matters.
Keeping the Conversation Going
Once the conversation warms up, keep it flowing by rotating between the three modes:
Build on what they share (Relational) → “That sounds fun! How did you get into it?”
Share your own reactions (Emotional) → “I’ve always felt that way about group projects — they can be so unpredictable.”
Add small personal details (Relational) → “I just started taking improv classes for fun — have you ever tried something like that?”
When you give as much as you ask, conversation becomes a rhythm — not an interview.
Closing Thoughts
Small talk is useful, but it’s only the first step. Real connection grows when curiosity meets reciprocity — when both people move beyond the Practical into the Emotional and Relational.
You don’t need clever lines or conversation hacks. Just small, intentional shifts that invite warmth, openness, and a little more of who you really are.
Making Connections is an ongoing series about where and how to meet people, move beyond small talk, and build real relationships.
Next up in this series: Part 4: Practicing Deeper Conversations.
