What Happened, How You Feel, and What You Think It Means
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
I recently heard an idea that stuck with me: There are the circumstances; then there is how we feel about those circumstances.
I think there is one more piece worth adding: what we think those circumstances mean.
Those three things often get blended together, especially in dating. And when they do, uncertainty can start to feel a lot more certain than it actually is.
Dating Gives Us Incomplete Information
When information is missing, our minds naturally try to fill in the pieces.
You may not know how someone feels yet.
You may not know why they have not replied.
You may not know whether a relationship is progressing, stalling, or simply moving more slowly than you expected.
When information is missing, our minds naturally try to make sense of it.
For example:
What happened: They have not replied to your text since yesterday.
How you feel: Anxious and insecure.
What you think it means: They are losing interest.
Another example:
What happened: You have been dating for a month, but have not talked about exclusivity.
How you feel: Uncertain and vulnerable.
What you think it means: They are keeping their options open because they are not serious about you.
Your interpretation may turn out to be right, but it is still an interpretation.
Feelings are Not Conclusive
If you feel rejected, that feeling is real. But it does not necessarily mean you have been rejected.
If you feel anxious, that anxiety is real. But it does not necessarily mean the situation is unsafe, unhealthy, or doomed.
The same is true of positive feelings. Feeling excited does not necessarily mean someone is a great match. Feeling chemistry does not necessarily mean a relationship will work.
Our emotions tell us something important about our experience. They do not always tell us everything about the circumstances.
Try Separating the Three
Separating what happened, how you feel, and what you think it means can make uncertainty easier to examine.
When you notice yourself getting caught in uncertainty, it can help to ask:
1. What actually happened?
Stick as closely as possible to what you could observe.
e.g., “They haven’t texted me in two days.”
Not: “They’re avoiding me.”
The first describes what happened. The second interprets why it happened.
2. How do I feel about it?
Try to name the feeling without minimizing it, rationalizing it away, or immediately explaining why you shouldn’t feel that way.
If possible, go a little deeper than “mad,” “sad,” “happy,” or even “bad.”
Maybe you are disappointed, anxious, embarrassed, irritated, lonely, insecure, hopeful, relieved, jealous, vulnerable.
The more precisely you can identify what you are feeling, the more information you have about your own experience.
If finding the right word is difficult, try using the Feelings Wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary.
I wrote more about this in On Emotional Awareness, including ways to practice identifying and naming emotions.
For now, you do not need to decide whether the feeling is reasonable or what it means.
Just notice it and name it: “I feel disappointed.”
That is different from: “I feel disappointed, therefore they must not care about me.”
The first identifies your emotional experience. The second has already begun interpreting the circumstances.
3. What am I telling myself this means?
“They don’t like me anymore.”
“I’m being too needy.”
“This relationship is going nowhere.”
“I finally found my person.”
This is often the part we experience as fact without realizing we have made an interpretation.
This Is Not About Dismissing Your Instincts
Separating feelings from circumstances does not mean telling yourself:
“They’re probably just busy.”
“I’m overreacting.”
“It’s all in my head.”
The goal is not to replace a negative story with a positive one. It is to leave room for what you do not yet know. Here are three examples:
Example 1:
Instead of: “They have lost interest.”
Try: “I haven’t heard from them, and I don’t know why yet.”
Example 2:
Instead of: “This is going nowhere.”
Try: “I don’t know where this is going yet.”
Example 3:
Instead of: “I’m too needy.”
Try: “This level of uncertainty is difficult for me.”
These statements are less dramatic, but they are also more accurate. And accuracy gives you more room to decide what to do next.
Your Feelings Contain Useful Information
Feelings can give us useful information without necessarily telling us the whole story.
Just because a feeling is not proof of what is happening externally does not mean you should ignore it.
Your anxiety might be telling you that:
communication has become inconsistent
you want more clarity
uncertainty is especially hard for you
something about the situation reminds you of a painful past experience
you are becoming more emotionally invested
Sometimes several of those things are true at once. You do not have to decide immediately which explanation is correct. You can simply notice that something is happening both outside of you and inside of you.
Both deserve attention.
Ask a Different Question
Once you separate the circumstance, the feeling, and the interpretation, the most useful question may no longer be: “What does this mean?”
Instead, try: “What do I want to do with the information I actually have?”
Maybe you wait. Maybe you ask directly.
Maybe you watch to see whether something becomes a pattern.
Maybe you realize that you need more than what this person is able to offer.
You do not always need certainty about someone else's intentions before making a decision for yourself.
You might not know whether they are pulling away. But you can know that you do not enjoy this level of inconsistency.
You might not know whether they want a relationship. But you can know that you are ready to ask.
You might not know how things will turn out. But you can know what you need in order to keep participating.
Clarity Doesn’t Require an Answer
Dating often asks us to live with information we do not have yet.
This can be very uncomfortable.
But we can make uncertainty harder on ourselves when we treat our feelings and interpretations as additional evidence.
Sometimes clarity is simply being able to say:
“This is what happened.”
“This is how I feel about it.”
“This is what I am currently afraid (or hoping) that it means.”
And then: “This is what I want to do next.”
You may still feel uncertain. But at least you are responding to the circumstances you are actually in, rather than to the story your mind has built around it.
